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Day 14 & 15 - Daddy

 Yesterday we celebrated Ike's 32nd birthday. When we celebrated his 30th birthday, Jack was still here on this earth (at UVA). It makes July a mix of happy and sad emotions for us now.  It was a long but fun day yesterday celebrating Ike so I'll cover two topics in this post: the joys of watching your spouse become a parent and the lows of watching your spouse grieve the loss of your child. 

Ike has always been the dad type. He is a kid magnet, probably because he really is a child at heart and isn't afraid to be a giant goofball. He, historically, is the responsible and considerate one amongst his friend group. He can anticipate other people’s needs and is quick it act on it.

It was my greatest honor and privilege to watch Ike become a Dad. To watch him melt when Jack looked at him. To watch him intuitively know what he needed or how best to do things for him. To watch him read books to him (even when he was in the PICU, sedated/intubated - didn't matter to Ike). To sing to him. To witness him care for me in new and detailed ways. To be our protector with a new sense of urgency, confidence, and pride. 


It has been a joy to watch him be a father figure to the foster children we have had in our home too. It is so natural for him in many ways. He often has more patience and stamina than I do.

Watching my husband grieve was terrible. Experiencing grief yourself is hard. Watching your person grieve is harder. 

In those early days/weeks without Jack, there were many hard days. Days where it was hard to even bring up and crying (both or either of us) was easier. There were days that I felt helpless to ease his sorrows other than to be present. Many days it was hard to even pray together - what does one even pray for in a season like this? I still have days that I struggle to pray - to know what to ask God to work on in me in seasons of grief.  I clung to books that shed any tiny bit of light onto grief (like Holding Onto Hope from Nancy Guthrie and A Grief Observed by CS Lewis) in the early months but Ike didn't want to read (he doesn't like reading in general). I’d tell him about the books, he’d listen but they didn’t interest him. He’s a quiet thinker and doer - he thinks best while doing. 

Some days we could laugh at the stupid or silly things that happened to us during Jack's life and sometimes those moments would end in tears of sorrow. Grief comes in waves - it is not linear and often does not make sense. He was my solid dependable person when I needed him to be during those first few months (and still is that for me.) 

I have no significant advice on how to grieve with your spouse. I am certain there are books out there on it but I haven’t dug for those. I can say that simply being there - in whatever stage of grief they're in (which will likely be different than the one you are in) is essential. Being the solid, dependable person for your loved one is sometimes the only thing you CAN do for your spouse. That and praying for them. 

Lastly, I could not have done any of the last two years alone. We carried each other a lot of days and still do. 

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