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Moving Through Grief

 


Grief feels lonely and stagnant. It makes me want to yell in everyone's face "YOU HAVE NO IDEA." Thankfully, I haven't done that yet. I don't think anyone deserves that. But even using the word "deserve" annoys me. Did we deserve to have our son pass away? To live through the excrutiating 31 days in the PICU all for him to not survive? To return home without a baby? To forever feel like someone is missing? No. 

Am I the only one who has ever lost a son? No. Of course not. Instagram heart warrior moms have graciously reached out to share their story and sorrows show me that I am not alone. Mary herself lost her son, Jesus. Elizabeth lost John. Job lost every single one of his children. 

Nancy Guthrie wrote Holding on to Hope after her first child passed away from a rare disease that impacted every cell in her body and slowly all her systems shut down around 6 months old. She writes about Job's faithful heart, amongst sorrow and suffering he never once cursed God. In fact he eventually prayed for his friends (Job 42:7-10) who had "more" than him. 

Wow

I scroll Instagram and all I see are babies. baby after baby. They are adorable. But I am not praying for them. It often makes me bitter, makes me compare and nuzzle down into my anger a little more. Reminds me that I didn't deserve this and brings up so many questions. 

Do I believe that God was in control when Jack was knit together in my womb? Yes

Did God want me to suffer? God allow Job to suffer. 

Is He sad too? Yes, we know Jesus sees every tear

Will I ever understand why this was in our cards? Maybe only a tiny sliver of the why while on this Earth.

I want to address to the word: deserve. Did we deserve to have this be part of our story forever? 

Do we deserve anything we have? Do I deserve a husband who tells me how strong I am, even when I cry? Do I deserve financial security, a house, a family that cares? Do I deserve the redeeming death and resurrection of Jesus that wiped away my sins? Of course not. I can't ever do enough to check a box that says "deserves new life." That's the beauty of grace and mercy and a gospel perspective. That our suffering is not for nothing. 

Don't let that sound like a cheap excuse. We are not promised an easy life. Some experience more hurt than others. But it is all for a purpose, it might be unseen to us for a long time, but it is not wasted. Jack's life was not a waste. I don't know God's reason his life was cut short, but I know God will bring glory to himself through his story and life. 

That is my continual prayer - that this life of suffering and surrender will glorify God. That Jack's story would glorify God. That our walk with Jesus would be deepened instead of our bitterness be solidified. That we would snuggle babies (ours and others) and see them all the more precious and worthy of praying over. 

I will be honest that it doesn't feel easy to trust God again. After praying for months that Jack would be healthy, every day of his life praying for protection and that he would make it through such grueling surgeries and days - it's hard to trust Him again. But if God isn't faithful, worthy of trust and praise - where else is there to go? 

Nancy writes "Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness-- this is the kind of faith God values, perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the midst of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken." 

I can't sit in the bitterness forever. I can keep walking in the darkness, slowing beginning to trust that God is working to bring himself glory, to redeem and renew. That is faith afterall. 

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