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Day 11 - Pumping in the NICU/PICU

 Ugh pumping. It gets the job done with basically zero positive emotional benefits. 

The fact that this was my first baby combined with Jacks complex medical situation, it is a miracle I even pumped and produced any breast milk at all. I had no idea what to expect. I’d talked to some people a little bit but even if someone had told me exactly what it would be like, it would have still been really difficult. 

I had an amazing nurse the day I delivered Jack who showed me all the basics. She was incredible all around. But made me feel really comfortable as I learned to pump.  I pumped in our room the first few times. I also pumped in the NICU’s pumping room and I cried every time for the first three days (at least). I was just so sad that this was my experience. Sad that it hurt. Sad that I had to leave the area that my baby was in, go to a dingy closet with partition walls and plastic recliners, pump for 20 min, (get basically nothing for the first two to three days) and then clean it all, pack it up, and then go back and see my baby again. 

It got better. Like a lot of things. And unlike a lot of other things.

A few things: 

- A friend made some bonding squares that you tuck in your bra and give your baby one, tuck behind their head or near their face, and you trade them out everyday. So the baby smells you and you subconsciously smell the baby and it supposedly helps milk production.

- Once I was discharged and we were at home, we had this amazingly comfortable recliner and I pumped in that. It was so great. We also watched the office in the evenings and that made it go by faster. 

- I didn’t wake up to pump after the first week or so. We were in such high stress levels all day that I needed the sleep more than the increased milk supply from more frequent pumping. So I’d usually be able to sleep 7ish hours and feel semi rejuvenated. 

- Jack only ever got my Breastmilk once, for less than 24 hours via NGT. He didn’t tolerate it. It sucked. 

- The decision to stop pumping after Jack had passed away was weird. It was so annoying. But also, it was this small piece of me that still felt connected to him. And it was a tiny physical sign that I did just have a baby. He’s not here in the flesh anymore, but this did happen/he was real. 

- I found someone through my OB that needed breast milk (she couldn’t breastfeed or pump because of previous breast cancer) so I kept pumping for a little while. Slowly decreasing down the number of times per day. And I eventually stopped about 8 weeks after Jack passed away. 

These decisions are individualized for everyone. Don’t compare yourself to me. Everyone’s journey is different. If I do give you any advice on this topic, it’s be gentle with yourself. 


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